Scientific breakthroughs have recently traced the development of paranoia back to one simple thing: parenthood. Raising kids makes the fear of spiders seem like a pleasant daydream. Here are some of the infinite worst-case scenarios every parent has come across at some point in time.
1. This rash must be leprosy
It's panic time if your daily kid-checkup reveals even the slightest abnormality. From a cough to a stomachache, it all equates to some sort of terminal illness. This is especially true of first-time parents. Don't worry though. This fear will gradually lessen over time; and before you know it your response for everything will be, "Just put a Band-Aid on it."
2. Is that blueberry Kool-Aid or Windex?!
You've secured all of your cabinets containing any sort of chemical. Every one is locked, has reinforced steel bars, and requires a retinal scan to open. But is that enough? Poison Control is on speed dial and you and your spouse purposely bought a home within five miles of three different hospitals. Now the only thing missing is the hospital-grade stomach-pumping machine; but it's on your shopping list.
3. Ant destroyer turned serial killer
You're innocently taking the trash out one day when you stumble upon a murder scene. An entire colony of ants lies slain in the driveway. What kind of monster would do this?
Then you realize the truth and wonder if this violent behavior will continue as they grow older. Time to take away that violent Mario video game.
4. Oh no — he's only in the 15th percentile for his age
Your friends' babies look like mini sumo wrestlers compared to your little featherweight. You've increased his daily intake of mashed peas and carrots, but nothing seems to be working. Is his metabolism too fast?
5. Has the FDA ever even seen school lunch?
Speaking of chemicals, what about all of those preservatives and other mysterious substances covering your children's food? Obviously you would buy only organic if it wasn't like paying a second mortgage. How you wish you could go back to the days before you saw that disturbing documentary on Netflix showing where your food really comes from.
Every year it gets harder and harder to cover up the scandal. You're constantly looking over your shoulder, wondering if they're on to you. What if they find their gifts? Are they really that surprised on Christmas morning, or is it all just an act worthy of an Oscar? At least you always give them more than you intended to because of all the gifts you find in places you forgot about last year.
The good news is that all of these slightly irrational fears help make one thing clear: You love your kids. And at the end of the day, you know it's all totally worth it.