Dating can be all about games, but some games are more detrimental than others. For someone in a relationship with a narcissist, the mental games can be hard to detect and even harder to stop. One study found that 9.6 percent of Americans in their 20s have already had experience with someone with diagnosable Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
So here is a heads up to the three most common mental games narcissist men play and how to get you back into a healthy mental state:
1. Rescue and repeat (the knight in shining armor)
The narcissist is an easy person to fall in love with because they will appear confident, stable and supportive. However, they will set up a power dynamic in which they know better than you and will "save" you from unpleasant situations. Not only do they remove your other supports but will often create confusion so that you come to them for guidance. Slowly you become more dependant on them until you truly feel that you are unable to take care of anything on your own, slowly deteriorating your independence.
2. Alienation (the wild card)
The first step in the alienation game is creating a "Romeo and Juliet" connection with you so you feel that it is the two of you against the world. This creates the idea that everyone wants to see you unhappy so that if others bring up concerns, you ignore them. In this dynamic you believe your narcissist knows better than anyone else and they are the only one you can truly trust.
We have all been in a new relationship where we start to neglect our old friendships, but if you are in a relationship with a narcissistic person, it can reach a whole new level. One goal they may have is alienating you from your family and friends. This ensures that they are the main influence in your life. By isolating you, they take away your resources and supports, making you more reliant on them. They may even tell others that you are crazy or unstable, putting doubts in other people's minds if you are to bring a concern to them. You may reach out for support just to have them question your views and reliability.
The narcissist knows your weaknesses, so they will attack what you hold dear. For example, saying things like "If people knew you , they would be disgusted by you and never speak to you again" or "If you do , I will call child services, and they will definitely take your kids away." This will facilitate you creating distance with others in fear that the narcissist is correct.
3. Confusion and self-doubt (the magician)
All of these mental games start small and become worse and worse. This creates a sense of normalcy that eliminates your alarm system that there is indeed a problem. Most of the time an issue won't be noticed until it is shared with someone outside the narcissist's reach. This is part of the why alienation occurs - so that you don't notice that something is not normal or unhealthy. This is when the internal destruction starts. The objective of this game is to confuse you and have you doubt yourself. The big players here are lying, unpredictability and distraction.
The lie may start small, but grows until it is blatant and doesn't align with logic. Even if you have solid proof of their indiscretions, they will deny all allegations. It can be maddening and even make you feel like your perception of the situation is wrong.
The unpredictability can be addicting in that sometimes things are great and other times are bad. But it is hard to tell what you are going to get. So if we do get a bad outcome, we continue to hang on, thinking the next time may be good, making it feel like the whole relationship is worth it.
The last and most frustrating element is distraction. They are good at moving your attention where they want it, just like a magician. This makes locking down a productive, direct conversation about a concern very difficult. They will continue to move you off track and distract you with other issues in order to ignore the initial concern. This leads to feeling like your conversations are meaningless and that your concerns shouldn't be that alarming for you.
How to shut down mental games
Keep your independence
It is a good idea in any relationship to maintain your own identity by keeping up with friendships, hobbies and personal goals. By doing this you are keeping your supports, resources and future plans. Keep your confidence up by doing the things that make you feel powerful and proud. If you are healthy mentally, you are much more likely to communicate your needs and stand up for your beliefs.
Be aware that some people will not realize fully what mental games a person is playing. Good communication with them is needed to not only make them aware of their behaviors but also set good boundaries about what is and isn't acceptable in the relationship.
Be mindful
In order to fully understand a situation, you need to be mindful of all the moving parts. Included in this is focusing on your feelings and moving away from black and white thinking of right and wrong. Emotions are often mixed, specifically with boundary setting.
Pay close attention to your safety and emotional and physical health. Trusting yourself is key here because these mental games are specifically aimed at having you question yourself. Lastly, you can not control or "fix" anyone. You can only control yourself, so remind yourself that you do have control and you can make decisions for your well-being.
