You got married and never imagined that you would have to deal with a rude and impolite spouse. You are disappointed, and every day of your married life has been torture. You ask yourself if you have done something wrong and if you are the one to blame. You surely don't expect to live like this all your life, and want to do something to change the situation.

Here are some things you can do to help create a better situation and influence your spouse for the better:

1. Don't blame yourself

Before all, you need to believe that it is not your fault. Each person is responsible for the way they react to a situation. It is common that impolite spouses transfer the fault and anger to the other. This is the attitude of someone who does not recognize his or her faults and does not accept that he/she needs to change.

2. Create space

If you realize that the show will start, take a step away to get some fresh air. Without an audience, he/she may stop.

3. Avoid getting offended

It is not easy to not get offended while listening to harsh words. But if you recognize in your mind that he/she is wrong and not you, it will be easier to not get offended.

4. Respond differently

If he is rude with you, respond with a soft voice and a smiling face. It usually works perfectly.

5. Give him a hug

This also usually works. If your spouse is angry and is insulting you, give him/her a hug. Tell your spouse you love him/her.

6. Choose the right time to talk about certain subjects

Your spouse, most likely, is not rude all of the time. So deal with more complex subjects, such as family finances, when he/she is at his/her best.

7. Have a serious talk

Choose a time when it is quieter, with less distractions, for an important conversation. Ask your spouse:

  • Do you think it is normal for a person to act rudely, especially to your own spouse?

  • How do you think I feel living under emotional abuse all the time? How would you feel if you were me?

  • How long do you think my love for you will last like this?

  • Do you think you need to change?

  • What can I do to help you?

Ask other appropriate questions. The goal is to find out if your spouse feels comfortable acting this way or whether he/she feels it is wrong.

8. Give your spouse a deadline

After finding out about your spouse's position on his/her actions, show your desire to resolve the problem as soon as possible. Speak with a counselor or religious leader, and set goals and deadlines.

Do not accept any kind of abuse. If after all of your sincere efforts, your spouse has no desire to improve, then you may need to consider other options, such as divorce. You should never feel unsafe in your marital relationship.

_This article is a translation from the original article 8 dicas para lidar com um cônjuge rude e mal-educado

on and has been translated by Rachel Castro.

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