They say the only stupid question is the one that doesn't get asked, but I beg to differ. Aside from "Who's buried in Grant's tomb?," there are actually 10 questions that are so ridiculous that they don't warrant a response. That being said, I feel it my civic duty to give a response equal to the question that thereby the person might just consider never asking it again.

And now, drumroll, please:

10. The 'are you seriously asking me that?' geographic population improbability question:

Q

"Oh, you're from California? Do you know (insert some insanely common surname here)?"

A

"The Smiths? Of course I know them. They said that if I ever met you to tell you "hello" from them and to give them a big hug." (then proceed to squeeze)

9. The 'our family size is our business' question

Q

"You have 12 kids? How many do you want?"

A

"Only one. Do you have any idea how to stop this from happening?"

8. The 'quick, call the doctor' question

Q

"When are you due?"

A

"I've been ordered by the mother ship commander not to disclose that information."

7. The 'didn't your mother teach you any manners?' question

Q

"So, how old are you?"

A

"I'm (add 45 years to your real age here). I'm testing a new anti-aging cream."

6. The 'other side of the age' question

Q

"So, how old do you think I am?"

A

"Would you like for me to answer that in metric or American standard?"

5. The 'I will have your head on a platter' question

Q

"So, what did you do all day?" (asked to a wife)

A

Give a 45-minute answer, leaving out no details. Include every question the children asked, every butt you wiped, every Band-aid you put on. Start with, "I opened my eyes, I stretched, I went to the bathroom, I washed my face ..."

4. The 'can you possibly still believe that?' question

Q

"Oh, you're a Mormon? How many wives do you have?"

A

Begin reciting every female scriptural name you can think of (start with these: Ruth, Naomi, Rebekah, Esther, Sarah, Leah, Hannah, Mary, Elisabeth, Zilpah, Rachel, Rhoda, Jezebel, Delilah, Martha, Jemima, Hagar, Dinah, Dorcas and Abigail) until they walk away.

3. The 'when was the last time you had your eyes checked' question

Q

"Are your twins (boy and girl) identical or fraternal."

A

"Fraternal. Their father is a cross-dresser."

2. The 'weather lunacy' question

Q

"Is it hot enough for you?"

A

"Not nearly. I usually summer on Venus."

And the number one silly question is ...

1. The 'you can't really be asking me that?' question

Q

"Do you want me to pull this car over right now?"

A

"Oh, do, yes. We could use a good beating to break up the monotony of all this silly sibling bickering and fighting."

And now, the bonus question. I know you weren't expecting more than 10, but I simply can't resist. "So, what did you think of these questions?"

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