As I've undergone the male translation process, I've made an important discovery. I've always thought we mean exactly what we say, but sometimes there really is an underlying message. As such, these translations are separated into two batches. The first batch covers phrases that we mean quite literally. Batch two covers the more cryptic stuff we say. Enjoy.
BATCH 1: The fairly literal stuff
1. "I don't care."
"I have no preference in the matter. Do as you wish, my love."
2. "You look nice today."
"You look nice today. It's not that you don't look nice every other day of the week, I just happened to notice more today. Please just smile and say thank you."
3. "I'm fine."
"I'm neither feeling especially good nor especially bad. I simply am."
Yes, that's it.
4. "My mom has one like that."
"I have made a connection between something you like and something my mother likes. I am not passive aggressively saying you look terrible."
5. "I'll be ready in 5 minutes."
"I may even be ready in three minutes."
6. "Just forget it."
It's no big deal. I'm literally about to forget it. You should too."
"You look stunning."
8. Prolonged silence
"I'm bored. I wonder if the 49ers are going to go all the way this season. Do I need an oil change yet? I think I'll take a nap."
BATCH 2: The other stuff
9. "I'm not angry; I'm frustrated."
"I'm angry, but frustrated sounds better than angry. Yeah, let's go with frustrated."
10. "You look great."
"You may or may not look great, but this is the response you want and that I've been trained to give."
11. "I was just kidding."
"Oops. I accidentally offended you. RETREAT! RETREAT!"
12. "OK, you're right."
"I think I'm right, but whatever. I'm tired of arguing and this really isn't a big deal. Moving on."
13. "No, that doesn't make you look fat."
See number ten on this list.
14. "I didn't mean it."
"While there may have been a little truth hidden in there it's not worth an argument, hence why it releases itself in snide remarks."
15. "I'm sorry."
"Sometimes I really am sorry, but sometimes I have no idea what the problem is, and I just say this to make you happy again."
Did I miss any? Comment below with other phrases a man says versus what he may actually mean.